Depression what does it mean to you? I promise not two people understand it the same and that is what makes it so hard to live with.
I spent a long time debating if this was something I wanted to include in my blog and a part of me is still not very sure. Spending time in rehab has taught me that speaking about it is the only way to get the world to get over themselves and accept you. I also feel that the skills I am learning in rehab are those that many people need. Even those of you who say you “perfectly fine.” Another reason why I am doing this is because through the blogging community I find that people are so accepting of mental illness. It has honestly made me feel more welcome than I ever have felt in life.
I plan to do a weekly post on my mental health. Please feel free to comment and also feel free not to read. At the end of the day this is for me and others suffering not for anyone else and it is defiantly not for entertainment.
Todays is a little bit of an over view so you the reader can better understand me and what goes through this extremely busy head of mine. I have had depression for a very long time, I knew I had it before I was willing to admit I had it. I remember the first time I thought it would be great to just die. I was 12 and hated life, I think that’s how it often starts you hate life so much you don’t want to carry on. I remember it was after school one day, at school I had gotten locked in the store room by some of the girls and then shouted at by the teacher for “bunking class” of course the teacher never believed me when I told her what happened. I then had one of the boys in my class throw a desk at me and tell me he wished I was dead. That’s when the thought started, maybe I should be dead? Would everyone be happier if I was just gone?
I remember the sudden over whelming feeling of peace I had when I thought about the idea of being dead. It was like for once the world had stopped spinning and I could breathe. I planned it all out in aftercare, I knew exactly where I could get the pills and I knew when would be the best time. Obviously, I didn’t go through with it because here I sit in rehab at 21 wondering why life always seems so overwhelming and filled with suffering.
I went on to high school, girls only high school. I remember the hell that put me through, the bathroom cry sessions the paper balls are thrown at my head. It was not a fun time. I think what made it worse was I never really had friends that were true. I always had friends that were my friend when they wanted something and when they had what they wanted they left. In my last year of school I hang with a group that got me, we were all pretty screwed in the head but we got each other. It made life easier. When you could talk about wanting to jump off a building and everyone was not shocked, didn’t show you any pity but rather laughed with you.
My life was an interesting battle of divorced parents, both remarried after about a year I think. My step dad was an abusive a**hole and his son was no good too. My step mother tried but I always felt like I already had a mother and didn’t need another. I then struggled with my mother moving away which probably has led to my abandonment issues. Then there was all the deaths, I think there was a stage were every year I was going to a funeral of someone I loved.
Then my medical drama which I feel also played a rather big role in my mental illness. Going from doctor to doctor and hospital to hospital when I was young to find out what was wrong. I had my first operation at 12, then my second at 16 when I was then diagnosed with endometriosis which I never realized would have such a big effect on my life. I had another operation when I was 17 due to my endometriosis, I’ve gone 4 years with no operation and that feels darn good. I now suffer from chronic pain which I had no clue could be caused by depression. I spent about six months last year going from doctor to doctor to try get help. I knew my pain was bad when I had to weigh the pros and cons of showering or bathing. I felt at 21 I should not be wondering if my body can handle a shower.
In rehab they have taught me that depression can cause chronic pain and that it is something very real. For a certain amount of time I really thought I was losing my mind, I now have some peace of mind.
I really hoped that going to university would be like a fresh start and I could enjoy life but that was not how it went down. I remember on registration day not being sure which degree to sign up for and deciding on early childhood development which now I wonder if I made a big mistake. I have come to realization that I put so much pressure on myself to go to university. I remember how badly I wanted to prove to people that I could go to university, that I was smart enough, that in the end I have hurt myself more. I did not do it for me and I now see the consequences.
Depression has been the one consistent in my life, depressing thought isn’t it. I hope that this will change, I know it wont be easy but im here for the fight this time.